[KERMIT in 'The Muppet Show' logo]

KERMIT: "It's 'The Muppet Show' with our very special guest star, BYRON SUMMERS! YAAAAAAAAAY!!"

----THEME SONG------

[KERMIT comes onstage in front of curtain wearing toga and laurel leaves]

KERMIT: "Hi ho and welcome once again to 'The Muppet Show'! Tonight is a very special night, for our guest star is none other than that entertainer extraordinaire Mr. Byron Summers..."

(APPLAUSE)

KERMIT: "...yes, and because Byron was born in 1978, tonight we are going to pay tribute to one of his favorite films which was released that year, that wonderful classic musical 'Grease'!"

(APPLAUSE--shot of audience)

KERMIT: "Well, I'm glad you like the movie, I just hope you like our costumes...we had some, uh, communication problems in our prop department." *scrunches face, looks offstage* (audience laughs)

KERMIT: "Anyway, 'Grease' is the word, so let's get things started with the opening number!"

(APPLAUSE)

[KERMIT quickly leaves, curtain opens]

OPENING NUMBER: 'Summer Nights' featuring KERMIT as Danny with FOZZIE, SCOOTER, LINK, and GONZO as the T-birds, and MISS PIGGY as Sandy with JANICE, ANNIE SUE, WANDA, and CAMILLA as the Pink Ladies.

Setting is an intricately detailed Greek Temple with pillars on the sides and an altar at the front.

All are dressed in Togas and laurel leaf crowns and dance around energetically while singing the number.

OPENING NUMBER ends...

(APPLAUSE)

STATLER: "Well, what did you think of all those togas and leaves?"

WALDORF: "I think they were the only ones with any talent!"

BOTH: "DOOOHHH, HO HO HO HO HO!"

[OFFSTAGE---Muppet Players exit and go their own ways. SAM EAGLE walks away from watching the number, looking disappointed and embarassed. KERMIT confronts SCOOTER]

KERMIT: "Scooter, what's going on with the prop department this week? This is embarrassing!"

SCOOTER: "Yeah Boss, I guess Greek clothing isn't really your style--" (audience laughter)

KERMIT: "Not for me, Scooter, for the show! For our guest star! How do you think Byron's gonna like it when he comes over here to get his leather jacket and we put leaves on his head!"

[BYRON exits dressing room wearing toga and leaf crown] (audience laughter)

BYRON: "Hey Kermit, this is awesome!" *spins around in toga* "I've always wanted to wear a toga, but just never had the right opportunity." *descends stairs, as Kermit meets him at bottom*

KERMIT: "Y--you mean, you don't mind the mix-up?"

BYRON: "'Mind'? Not at all! You see Kermit, I love Greek mythology and those old stories, and being dressed up like this makes me feel--well--kinda like a Greek god. Boy, wouldn't it be something to be able to control the weather with the snap of my fingers?"

*snaps fingers---ENORMOUS crash of thunder and flashing lightning* (audience laughter)

KERMIT: "Uh, yeah, th--that would be something...uh, Byron, can I ask you one favor tonight?"

BYRON: "Sure Kermit, anything...what's up?"

KERMIT: "Can you not snap your fingers again until after the show?" (audience laughter)

BYRON: "Oh, come on Kermit, you can't really think that I actually have any kind of power, now do you? I mean, just by doing this?" *laughs, snaps fingers again*

*MORE gigantic thunder and lightning, this time with ground tremor--audience laughter*

KERMIT: "Uh, Byron--"

BYRON: "I got it--no snaps."

KERMIT: "Please!"

NEWSMAN in NEWSROOM

NEWSMAN: "Here is a Muppet News Flash! It appears that the pillars used in the opening number were actually rented from an ancient Greek ruin. The owners have already picked them up to fly back to their native homeland in a helicopter using a net which can hold up to 1,000 pounds. The pillars of the temple reportedly weigh 2,000 pounds."

*looks to camera*

"Wait a minute, if the pillars weigh 2,000 pounds and the net can only hold 1,000 pounds, then that must mean that--

[Pillars come CRASHING down onto Newsman] (audience laughter)

[BACSTAGE---SCOOTER runs up to KERMIT, at his desk--they're in normal clothing (well, for Kermit, no clothing)]

SCOOTER: "Hey boss, I talked to the prop department, and they just got some new props in for the 'Grease' segments."

KERMIT: "Oh, good! So nothing from any ancient ruins this time?"

SCOOTER: "Er, no, they're not any kind of ancient ruins."

KERMIT: "Well what are they? Are they the leather jackets and sunglasses and '50s-style cars and stuff like that that I wanted?"

SCOOTER: "Well, it's...it's really 'Grease'..."

KERMIT: "Scooter, what are you talking about? What do you mean? If it's *not* that stuff, then what else could it possibly be?"

SCOOTER: "Well, why don't you walk over toward the stairs and see?"

KERMIT: "Okay, you wanna lead the way?"

SCOOTER: "No, I think you should."

KERMIT: "Well, okay..."

[KERMIT walks off followed by a cautious SCOOTER---soon KERMIT reaches the area near the stairs and, lickety-split, SLIPS and flails in the air, only to fall down] (audience laughter)

KERMIT: "WHAAAAAAAA!" *THUD* *tries to get back up, moves away from slippery part of floor* "Scooter, why didn't you tell me there was grease all over the floor?!"

SCOOTER: "Well, I tried, but you wouldn't believe me, so I thought you should see for yourself. Besides, I took my turn for falling a few minutes ago." (audience laughter)

[BYRON exits dressing room in toga and leaves, comes down stairs]

SCOOTER: "Oh, watch out, Mr. Summers! There's been a grease spill on the floor over here!"

BYRON: "Oh--" *jumps over to dry floor*..."thanks for the warning, Scooter."

KERMIT: *scrunches face* "Yeah, 'thanks for the warning, Scooter'." (audience laughter) [KERMIT gets up, goes over to desk]

BYRON: *going to desk* "Uh, Kermit, I'm afraid there's a little problem with my first number."

KERMIT: "Oh? I thought you liked that song, do you wanna change it?"

[MISS PIGGY exits her dressing room, heading toward stairs]

BYRON: "Oh no, no! I love the song, I--I just need a beautiful woman to sing it to."

[PIGGY does double take, rushes down stairs, tosses hair back in front of BYRON]

MISS PIGGY: "Oh, yoo hoo! Byron deeear, moi just had this feeling that vous needed a 'beautiful woman' to sing to in your next number." (audience laughter)

BYRON: "That's right, Miss Piggy." *knowing what she's up to, playing along* "I, uh...I don't suppose you'd want me to sing to you, would you?"

MISS PIGGY: *acts surprised* "Moi?" (audience laughter) "Why, Byron, you sweet, handsome thing...if you need help with your number, I shall humbly step up to the task with my overwhelming modesty." (audience laughter) "Tell me, what song is it?"

BYRON: "Well, it's called 'Beauty--"

MISS PIGGY: "BEAUTY! Oh, it's perfect! Do not worry Byron, I am sure to be an enhancement to you with my exquisite womanly qualities." *runs onstage* (audience laughter)

KERMIT: "Gee Byron, uh, I'm sorry Piggy had to 'hog' herself into your song like that." (audience laughter)

BYRON: "Oh, that's okay, Kermit. I think after this time Miss Piggy'll think twice before butting in on a number." *winks to camera* (audience laughter)

[KERMIT goes onstage]

KERMIT: "Okay everyone, here now to pay tribute to 'Grease' himself is the one, the only, Byron Summers!"

(APPLAUSE, curtain opens)

SETTING is a Greek amphitheater. MISS PIGGY is seated on a "throne" in the middle, with BYRON walking around her and the stage while singing 'Beauty School Dropout'.

Throughout the song, MISS PIGGY gets gradually infuriated at the insulting lyrics BYRON sings at her of being a failure in the beauty world. PIGGY storms off at the end during the applause.

(APPLAUSE--shot of audience)

STATLER: "I wonder why the pig got so mad?"

WALDORF: "Didn't you know? You can't have a pig and beauty in the same room!"

BOTH: "DOOOH, HO HO HO HO HO!"

[MISS PIGGY huffs offstage, Byron comes off chuckling]

BYRON: "Oh, come on now Miss Piggy, there's no need to get pig-headed!" (audience laughter) [PIGGY snaps around]

MISS PIGGY: "You said the song was 'Beauty', not 'INSULTING Beauty'!"

BYRON: *shakes head* "No Miss Piggy, you thought the song's name was 'Beauty'. I tried to tell you that it was called 'Beauty *School* *Dropout*'. I guess now you've learned a lesson about butting in before you're ready...maybe you're just not ready to be a 'Grease'd pig! Ha, ha, ha!" (audience laughter)

MISS PIGGY: *looks angrily into camera* (audience laughter) *sweetly*---"Byron, how tall are you?"

BYRON: *smiles, stands straight and tall* "I'm 6 and a half feet tall."

MISS PIGGY: *growling* "Oh yeah? HIYYYYY-YAH!" *karate-chops BYRON in shin, BYRON falls to ground* (audience laughter) "Try standing now, Bigfoot!" *goes off to change* (audience laughter)

[KERMIT comes from canteen, gasps at BYRON on floor]

KERMIT: "Byron! Wh--what happened?"

BYRON: *rises up a little* "Oh, it was nothing, Kermit. I just found out that...'pig' is really bad for my bones. Oooowww!" *falls back down* (audience laughter)

ONSTAGE

ANNOUNCER VOICE: "And now it's time once again for 'Veterinarian's Hospital', the continuing stooooooooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs..." (PIGGY enters quickly as he finishes up)

DR. BOB: "Well Nurse Janice, who's the next patient?"

NURSE JANICE: "The one after the last one." (audience laughter)

[DR. BOB pulls back blanket to reveal BYRON] (the 3 Muppets act surprised) (audience laughter)

DR. BOB: "Hey, this is the guest star! He's not supposed to be the patient!"

NURSE PIGGY: "Well, he just sort of 'fell' into the part." (audience laughter)

NURSE JANICE: "Rully. He's here for 'Grease', Dr. Bob."

DR. BOB: "Well I don't have any grease. I do have some anesthesia!" (audience laughter)

NURSE PIGGY: "No, not that kind of grease."

DR. BOB: "Oh, yeah, right." (to BYRON) "So why are you here for Greece? Do they need a representative for somethin'?" (audience laughter)

NURSE JANICE: "No, not the country, the movie!"

BYRON: "Wait a minute, this part of the show wasn't in my contract--this has nothing to do with 'Grease'!"

NURSE JANICE: "Like, we're not gonna do a 'Grease' number in the hospital, are we?"

BYRON: "No, you can't do 'Grease' in a hospital."

DR. BOB: "Sure you can, it's easy. Just say, (*sings*) 'Look at meeeee, I'm Nurse Piggyyyyy!'" (audience laughter)

BYRON: "No...I don't think anyone could take me for Nurse Piggy."

NURSE JANICE: "Rully."

DR. BOB: "You're right. You've got a lot less--"

NURSE PIGGY: *angrily* "Watch it!"

DR. BOB: "--hair." (audience laughter)

NURSE JANICE: "He's right, Dr. Bob. We can't do 'Grease' in a hospital."

BYRON: "But you can do a hospital in Greece."

DR. BOB: "No, I can't. They won't let me have a license in other countries." (audience laughter)

NURSE JANICE: "You mean you're--"

DR. BOB: "That's right! A dog without a license! Heh, heh, heh!" (audience laughter)

NURSE JANICE: "Oh, wow...like, I've always wanted to go to Greece..."

DR. BOB: "Why haven't you gone yet? Has it been sold out?" (audience laughter) "I hear it's got some great songs." (audience laughter)

NURSE JANICE: "No, not the movie, the country!"

DR. BOB: "Oh, I love the country--I was born in the hills of the country."

NURSE PIGGY and NURSE JANICE groan (audience laughter)

NURSE PIGGY: "No, Dr. Bob---oh, forget it."

DR. BOB: "Forget-me-nots...do those grow in Greece?" (audience laughter)

NURSE PIGGY: "Why don't you go over there and find out?" (audience laughter)

BYRON: "Hey, are we ever gonna get to my leg?"

DR. BOB: "Not if it's in Greece!" (audience laughter)

ANNOUNCER: "And so we come to the end of another 'Veterinarian's Hospital'. Tune in next time when you'll hear Nurse Janice say..."

NURSE JANICE: "Hmmm...Greece sounds toooo much. I think I'd rather go to Italy instead."

DR. BOB: "Why Italy?"

NURSE JANICE: "It's more relaxing. There's nothing to do there but 'Rome'!"

DR. BOB laughs, NURSE PIGGY groans (audience laughter and APPLAUSE)

[VET'S HOSPITAL staff leaves as BYRON goes to his dressing room. SAM THE EAGLE comes up to KERMIT at his desk]

SAM: "Kermit, this show has taken a morally apprehensible turn for the worse--again."

KERMIT: "Uh, what now, Sam?"

SAM: "At least you were trying to be cultural with the ethnicity of wardrobe from other countries while singing these vulgar songs," (audience laughter) "but now to change mid-show into--into these gang outfits and inappropriate clothing?!" (audience laughter)

KERMIT: "Oh, good! That means that Scooter must have gotten the prop department to finally straighten things out."

SAM: "'Good'? You call a style attempt like that good?"

KERMIT: "Well sure, Sam. That's how the cast of 'Grease' was dressed up, so we wanna try to recreate that here on the show." *looks at schedule, pushes call box* "Uh, Floyd and Janice on stage, Floyd and Janice!"

SAM: "Kermit, you can't think that the other Muppets would trade in their classy togas and lofty leaves for these--these--gawdy travesties?"

[FLOYD and JANICE enter, dressed in leather jackets, '50s outfits, and accessories] (audience laughter)

FLOYD: "Hey Kermit, you are one hip frog. These classic duds sure beat those tacky togas."

JANICE: "Rully. Like, it's hard to sing good rock music when your wardrobe's a few centuries off!" (audience laughter)

[FLOYD and JANICE go onstage]

KERMIT: "See Sam? Floyd and Janice like the change."

SAM: "That is because they are weird." (audience laughter) "Hm." *turns to go*

[BYRON enters, dressed in leather jacket and '50s gear]

BYRON: "Hey Sam, how ya likin' the 'Grease' show?" (audience laughter)

SAM: "Oh no! You're weird, too! And I had such high hopes for you, Mr. 'I like Greek mythology and ancient stuff'."

BYRON: "Well I do, but that doesn't mean I can't love the '50s rock 'n' roll era, too."

SAM: "In my book...it does." *stalks off* (audience laughter)

[KERMIT goes onstage]

KERMIT: "And now ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce that our prop department has at last fixed the mixup for tonight's show, so let's get things rolling again with a real salute to 'Grease'!"

(APPLAUSE, curtain opens)

DR. TEETH and ANIMAL are in the background, dressed in '50s style, with FLOYD and JANICE in the foreground (sorta like the Paul Simon "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" staging). Cool lighting that changes with the music.

FLOYD and JANICE play and perform 'You're the One That I Want'

(APPLAUSE--shot of audience)

WALDORF: "Well, what do you think of the change in the scenery and costumes?"

STATLER: "I say change is usually good, but on this show it's not worth 2 cents!"

BOTH: "DOOOOH, HO HO HO HO HO!"

[BYRON's dressing room--BYRON is finishin' a snack. There's a knock at the door]

BYRON: "Come in!"

[JANICE enters, dressed in normal Janice attire (no hat)]

JANICE: "Hi Byron!"

BYRON: "Janice! What's goin' on, girl?"

JANICE: "Well, I wanted to come up and tell you how much I'm rully enjoying the show tonight---you're doing a great job!"

BYRON: "Aww, thanks, Janice! That's really sweet of you. And y'all are just a blast to work with." *looks around*

JANICE: "Are you missing something?"

BYRON: "No. I was just making sure Crazy Harry wasn't gonna pop up somewhere when I said 'blast'." (audience laughter)

JANICE: "Rully!"

BYRON: "You know Janice, you were great in that last number with Floyd. As a matter of fact, you're one of my favorite singers."

JANICE: "Oh, wow..." *shakes head*

BYRON: "I mean it. You've got a great voice. And you can sure play a mean guitar! And, to top it all off, you're beautiful, too!"

JANICE: "Wow, thanks...and I rully think you're a great musician and entertainer. Like, I've admired you for years."

BYRON: "Ya know Janice, I bet we could make beautiful music together, if it weren't for one thing."

JANICE: "What's that?"

BYRON: "Floyd."

JANICE: "Oh, that kind of music! Oh, wow..." (audience laughter)

BYRON: *leaning in* "So, uh...tell me just how serious you two are here..."

JANICE: "Like, as serious as granola!" *nods head* (audience laughter)

BYRON: *sits up, looks into camera* "I guess that's . . . pretty serious . . ." (audience laughter)

JANICE: "Fer sure!" (audience laughter)

BYRON: "Well I'm just so thrilled to be working on the show with you. Are you ready for the last number?"

JANICE: "You bet! Like, the band's worked on it a lot. We love it!"

BYRON: "Good, me too! It's one of my favorite numbers from the show."

JANICE: "Well, it's coming up soon, so I should go change and get ready for it." *heads toward door*

BYRON: "Okay. And Janice, if that, uh, 'granola' ever starts to crumble...you let me know, huh?"

JANICE: "Fer sure!" *leaves, shuts door* (audience laughter)

BYRON: *looks into camera* "Granola may be a health food, but it sure ain't good for me." (audience laughter)

[ONSTAGE---KERMIT intros SAM]

KERMIT: "And now it's time for another commentary from that beloved blue baldy, Sam the American Eagle!"

[curtain opens, FANFARE, SAM approaches podium]

SAM: "Today I would like to speak out aganist...vulgarity." (audience laughter) "Vulgarity comes in many guises: clothing, acts, speech. People should learn to dress modestly, to not do violent things, and, of course, to not speak vulgarly. Vulgar language is harsh to the ears, and no one wants to hear it."

[An ANYTHING MUPPET with a rope slowly approaches SAM from behind] (audience laughter)

"If you hear someone speaking in a vulgar way to you, SHUT THEM UP!" (audience laughter) "Walk away, cover your ears, do anything you can to escape it--anything!" Ma--"

[ANYTHING MUPPET lassos SAM's beak and draws it tight, thereby shutting HIM up. He pulls SAM offstage] (audience laughter)

STATLER: "That eagle should learn to stop being so vulgar."

WALDORF: "All he did was talk onstage."

STATLER: "Well in this place, that's vulgar enough!"

BOTH: "DOOOOH, HO HO HO HO HO!"

[KERMIT walks out to intro, dressed out in '50s style and leather jacket, and sunglasses propped up over his eyes]

KERMIT: "It's time now for our closing number, and it features Byron himself with our own Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. So let's put those hands together and hand jive!"

(APPLAUSE)

Curtain rises to reveal fancy concert-like setup in the back with the ELECTRIC MAYHEM, and bleachers on the side with various MUPPETS, including the regular GANG. All are dressed in '50s style.

HANDS are sticking out of the band's stage and setup, and from the bleachers, and all over the back wall on either side of the band. Back wall also features colored lights flashing on it that constantly change.

BYRON enters, crowd goes WILD, and the ELECTRIC MAYHEM kicks into Born to Hand Jive. BYRON sings the long song, featuring generous instrumental solos by ZOOT, JANICE, FLOYD, and ANIMAL.

In one instrumental break BYRON grabs JANICE and grooves with her across the dance floor for a bit. In another, BYRON surprises everyone by putting on tap shoes and tappin' like a fiend as the audience APPLAUDS.

Toward the end, all the MUPPETS come onto the floor and wildly dance to a rousing finish.

(APPLAUSE--shot of audience)

[KERMIT appears in front of curtain]

KERMIT: "Well, I have certainly had a wonderful time, but unfortunately, we have run out of time. So quickly, let's bring out our guest star for one last appearance, Mr. BYRON SUMMERS! YAAAAAY!!"

[BYRON enters during APPLAUSE still in costume, smiling and bowing]

BYRON: "Thanks, Kermit. You know, I cannot tell you what a spectacular time I have had doing 'The Muppet Show'! It's been a blast!" *looks around*

KERMIT: "Oh, uh, don't worry. Crazy Harry's away visiting his relatives." (audience laughter)

[FLOYD comes onstage]

KERMIT: "Floyd, what are you doing here?"

FLOYD: "I just have one thing to say to our guest star before he leaves."

BYRON: *expecting admiration and praise* "Awww, and what did you want to say, Floyd?"

FLOYD: "Man, the granola is tight!"

[BYRON laughs, audience laughter, KERMIT looks confused]

KERMIT: "Uh, we'll see you next time on 'The Muppet Show'!"

[THEME music starts as the three are joined onstage by JANICE, PIGGY, SCOOTER, and a few other MUPPETS from the closing number. BYRON playfully flirts with JANICE while teasing FLOYD that he's only playing]

[BAND in orchestra pit finishes up theme and holds out note near the end...]

WALDORF: "Boy, that show really brought back memories of the classic '50s."

STATLER: "Heh...for you it was the 1850s!"

[last phrase of music, topped by ZOOT]

(Transcript also available at Muppet Central)